09 April 2014

THE DEATH OF A FRIENDSHIP

Oh poor neglected blog. 

I promise that I'm going to try to visit you more. 

And now let me tell you the story of my best friend and me. I probably should say my now ex-best friend and me. It's kind of a tragic story. Shakespearean really, only not quite so poetic. 

It began the first day of seventh grade. I had just moved over the summer, and I was going to be attending a new school. I was incredibly nervous, and as I walked to the best stop on my first day.

A girl immediately asked who I was, and she began to introduce me. That girl would become one of my best friends and so would her older sister. She sat with me on the bus, and she told me about everyone. Who was who, what boys were off limits, who to be friends with, and who not to be. I was incredibly shy then, so her chattiness was a blessing.

As the years went by these two sisters and I became closer and closer. When Kelly (the first girl I met) drifted away into work and relationships, Nancy (her older sister) and I became closer. Nancy was my best friend for over twenty years. 

We went through a lot together. Break-ups, bad boyfriends, good boyfriends, parties, making bad decisions, pregnancies, adoptions, downward spirals, a marriage, a divorce, another marriage, moving, fights, and finally the words that ended it all.

Let me be clear I am angry about this. I am angry because at this point I feel that many things in our friendship were a manipulative deed done by her. I'm sure she feels the same way about me, but this is my blog. At one point I was very unhappy in my first marriage. We were not in love, and it was apparent that it wasn't going to work out. So, one night my best friend informs me that "oh by the way there was this one time your husband sort of cheated on you with me." Uhhhh excuse me?

I ended my marriage because I know when to admit defeat, and then expecting my friend to want to make it up to me I stupidly expected her support while I got my life back together. But did I get it? 

Nooooo. She continued to hang out with my ex-husband while we fought it out in a divorce. The worst part was that she helped him sell my dog. That was the only thing I wanted in the divorce. The damn dog. 

This is after I bought her a horse. Oh yes. I mean she paid me back, but I bought her a damn horse because she didn't have the money on her own. Story for another day.

Eventually we were friends again.

Life goes on and all that. I think there were several times we didn't talk for a few months, but we'd always manage to be friends again. Because I loved her dearly. And I am sure that she loved me as well.

I started dating the most manipulative charming guy in the universe. (side note: beware of people who are overly charming. they are that way because they need to be. you know how people are always saying that about serial killers? "he was so charming. i never would have guessed that he was mutilating those people!" precisely my point.) I thought he was incredible, but now I know that I was just stupid. He cheated, got violent, said awful things, and was (I'm sure he still is) an asshole. 

Her boyfriend and my boyfriend (both losers) became friends throughout the course of my tumultuous relationship. Of course, they had found kindred spirits. They are really only different in one way. Her boyfriend will not keep a damn job to save his life. 

When I came to my senses and broke up with this guy I expected (again, silly me) the support of my bestie. But did I have it? I'll let you guess this answer. 

She told me that since her boyfriend had so few friends (want to guess why?) that she couldn't expect him to not be friends with loser face. I completely understand that, but then why can't she and I still be friends? Apparently we couldn't.

I eventually met Tim who probably doesn't realize it, but he pulled me out of the depths of a major depression that had me only smiling when Jakob was near me. I'll tell the story someday, but I'm not quite ready to share that. Once I met Tim things got better with bestie and me. Then when I was moving to Oklahoma to be with Tim she wasn't really all that supportive. I suppose to chalked it up to her just looking out for me since I was moving a long ways away. 

As my life got better and happier. I drifted farther away from her. The things that we used to have in common we no longer did. They still moved around when they couldn't afford rent. She kept supporting her boyfriend who still cannot keep a job. They kept partying and going out. She sold her horses that she desperately loved because of money issues. I never said anything about it. I just wished for her sake that something would happen to make her life what she wanted it to be instead of this constant struggle. 

I guess I don't have to worry about it anymore since she told me to get out of her life. I will always wish that she could understand what I was trying to say. 

06 April 2014

IT'S BEEN A MONTH

It's been a month since I blogged out my feelings here. I think I've been afraid of what I might say which bothers me since the whole point of this endeavor is to sort out all the jumbledness of my brain. 

I will get back on the blogging horse. 

07 March 2014

EFF FEAR.


I have been deciding for awhile whether or not to share this, but I admire the bloggers who blog so openly and truthfully about such personal things. So why can't I do it?

Fear.

The answer is fear.

Fear of being judged or ridiculed or told that I'm crazy or stupid or wrong or should be able to deal with my problems without medication. 

But you know what?

Eff that. 

I've been taking zoloft in increasing doses for a few months now, and I feel so much better. My anxiety has lessened, and I am not as snappy (well until I got pneumonia). I feel focused, and once I am physically well I think life is going to be so fantastic. Because I won't be so worried about everything within and beyond my control. 

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I am being treated for it with Zoloft. 

This is not a bad thing, and we need to talk about these things. People do not need to be judged or put into a special corner because we need a little help. 

05 March 2014

FINALLY FEELING LIKE ME

recycling
{photo credit}
After feeling sick for a month I am finally (thank the Universe!) feeling better. I am not kept up all night coughing, and I can walk across the house without gasping for air like a cross country skier who collapses on the finish line. (I watched A LOT of the Winter Olympics.) 

Of course with feeling better, for me at least, comes a sense of restlessness as winter lasts too long, and spring feels like it will never come. My daffodils began poking their little heads out a few weeks ago. But then two days ago snow and ice was dumped all over their new green sprouts. 

Oh Oklahoma! Don't you know there is too much of a beautiful thing like wintry snows?

I look down at my pasty skin, and I long for the sun to warm everything up so me and my freckles can soak up some vitamin d while we get lost in a good book by our kiddie pool. Summer. That's what we need. Sun and sand and water. 




04 March 2014

IDIOT PARENTS. THAT'S US!

Sit down and let me tell you a tale of the idiot parents. 

It was a few months ago. We were at the Junior High State Wrestling Tournaments. Jakob had lost his first match, and then he had won every following match. He was wrestling for the chance to win third or fourth. We were so excited! 

He checks the bracket and says "I wrestle at 136." And we all say, "okay so since they're ending at 138 we need to be here first thing tomorrow because you're match will be almost immediately." (I don't exactly remember the exact numbers, so they're estimated. I am sure you can already see what we failed to see!) We leave. All three of us, and Jakob's wrestling coach talking excitedly about coming back the next day. 

They call his match. They announce. They ask where we are, and why we aren't showing up. Another coach calls our coach. The match is forfeited. 

Since you cannot lose two matches or you're out at this point we are out. 

There were FOUR people who understand and semi-understand (I'm the semi!) wrestling and brackets and all that jazz. And we ALL walked out of the state fair arena laughing and smiling without realizing what huge idiots we were. 

And now you know. 

#parentsoftheyear 

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